Tom Keefe

Spirited Communication

Tag: family

My Favorite Christmas Gift

December 1, 2022 /

The radio host today asked listeners to share their favorite Christmas gift. I didn’t call in but I knew what I would say.

When I was in my late teens, my sister, Annette, sewed each of her brothers and our parents the same gift: A cloth ornament shaped like a candy cane. At the time, I didn’t think much of the ornament, except to acknowledge the time and effort Annette put into cutting the fabric, adding a soft filling and sewing each closed. When I left for college, I packed the ornament with other personal items that I couldn’t take with me and forgot about it.

A few years later, Annette, who was two years older than me, got married and they had a son. When we gathered at our parents’ home to celebrate Christmas, I saw that my mom had included her cloth candy cane ornament on the Christmas tree. That reminded me about my ornament, which was still packed away because I didn’t decorate a Christmas tree at my apartment.

One day my sister called me. Her voice breaking, Annette told me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 24. It was a shock, of course, and I moved back into with my parents to be able to help as Annette fought the cancer with chemotherapy and radiation. After 1-1/2 to 2 years, the cancer spread to my sister’s lungs and brain, causing her death that June.

In December, although we still mourned the loss of Annette, my parents and I put up the Christmas tree. When mom added the candy cane ornament, I ran to where I had stored mine. I placed it on the tree and wished that I could tell Annette how much her thoughtfulness meant to me.

This week, 40 years after my sister’s death, my wife and I put up our Christmas tree. Kim knows I have a tradition now, so she patiently waited until I found the ornament that would be placed first on our tree: a weathered fabric candy cane ornament. Over the years, I’ve opened many presents that were placed under our tree. But my favorite gift has always hung above the gaily wrapped presents below. A simple present made with love by the sister who will always remain in my heart.

Candy Cane fabric ornament made by Annette Keefe

What is the Big Deal About a Prank? (Part 2)

January 30, 2021 /

When ‘Innocent Fun’ Is Neither Innocent, Nor Fun, To Others

In my previous post, I provided background on a prank, pulled on me, that has caused friction within my family.

In my previous post, I provided background on a prank, pulled on me, that has caused friction within my family.

Here is the beginning of the explanation for my reaction to the prank, and what pranksters in general represent to me.

When someone reacts unexpectedly to something that is said or done to them, it could be that the words or actions triggered something. The “fake bleeding” prank that my daughter and wife played on me, triggered several emotions and memories.

A few days prior to the prank, the three of us were reminiscing about a birthday sleepover involving my daughter and some of her friends when they were younger. The girls decided that the first one of them to fall asleep would be pranked by the others. When one girl eventually did fall asleep, Caitlyn moved toward her with a marker, intending to draw on the sleeping girl’s face.

Caitlyn tripped and her face struck an edge of our ping-pong table, near one of her eyes. As blood started to spurt out, Caitlyn and the other girls starting screaming for help.

Imagine being awakened in the middle of the night to the screams of little girls afraid that their friend was going to lose an eye, or worse. My adrenaline kicked in, until it became clear that the wound wasn’t serious enough for stitches. The rest of the sleepover didn’t involve much sleep for me.

My love of my daughter added to the stress of that moment. I wanted to protect her and help her to move past her fear.

The other day, when my wife said Caitlyn had fallen while walking her dog, and I saw what seemed to be a large degree of bleeding from Caitlyn’s face, that same desire to protect Caitlyn kicked in.

When I learned that it was a prank, my adrenaline was still pumping from racing up the basement stairs and taking action to assess and deal with the situation.

It was neither funny, nor fun, for me at that moment.

In my next post, I’ll provide some context for my intense dislike of pranks, drawing from my own experiences.

What is the Big Deal About a Prank? (Part 1)

January 29, 2021 /

Why Someone’s ‘Little Joke’ Sometimes Is A Very Serious Matter

An ugly confrontation earlier this week led to strained family relationships and my decision to sleep on the basement sectional the past two nights.

The cause? A prank.

Since March, I’ve been working at home in a contract role for a large employer. The manager to whom I report absolutely requires me to stop each week when I reach 40 hours.

Some additional work responsibilities in recent weeks have stressed me more than usual. I’ve worked long days with occasional short lunch and dinner breaks. Even though I only worked four days because of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, I still reached the 40-hour mark.

The following week, which ended today, was even more stressful for various reasons. I was working at a desk in my basement on Wednesday, concentrating on some detailed work, when my wife called down.

“Tom, can you come up? Caitlyn fell on the ice while walking Mickey.”

I hurried up the stairs and saw my wife standing in the powder room doorway. I could hear my daughter running water. When I looked into the powder room, Caitlyn was leaning over the sink. I saw her reflection in the mirror and saw a large amount of blood above her eyebrow and on a towel in her hand.

I asked Caitlyn if she had lost consciousness, and she smirked when she said she hadn’t. I then asked Kim to hand me another towel that I could use to wipe the blood from Caitlyn’s forehead.

My wife asked if we should take her to the hospital, and Caitlyn said no. Then she started to laugh…because she was faking the whole incident.

When I looked at the two of them laughing loudly, I got angry. I swore at them and went back to the basement.

I wish I could say that I fumed for a few minutes and then laughed it off. Or called a trusted friend to vent.

But I was so upset that I instead went back upstairs with the intent of calling them on their poor decision to prank me during the work day when they knew how stressed I have been.

The angry exchanges lasted several minutes. The fallout is still being felt. I slept in the basement over the past two nights because I was too angry at my wife to sleep next to her. I haven’t said more than a few sentences to my daughter for two days.

What made this such a big deal? I’ll explain in my next post.

Another Take on Parental Expectations

June 18, 2017 /

While participating in the creation of videos as a corporate communications professional, I learned how to write and deliver polished lead-ins. It was one of many skills that I wanted to help my children to develop, and I looked for opportunities to share my knowledge “for their good.”

When an opportunity presented itself during a family vacation to San Diego, I learned a valuable lesson regarding the potential pitfalls of parental expectations. It’s a fitting topic to share on Father’s Day—and is even more poignant for me because my wife and daughter were the ones who recently shared their perspective of the experience with me.

During that week-long trip, my 12-year-old son, Kevin, and 10-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, showed a great deal of interest in using the family’s new Sony Handycam digital video camera to record portions of the vacation from their perspectives. Other than when I cautioned them not to dangle the video camera outside of whatever vehicle we were sitting in while they shot video segments, I thought I gave them great freedom to enjoy the experience of videotaping our vacation moments.

That was until I reviewed their first recordings. Their rapid camera movement during shots of the San Diego Zoo made me more nauseous than any live carnival ride I had ever taken. Their stopping and starting recordings of people mid-sentence and thought caused flashbacks of my past drunken revelry and long-forgotten, very forgettable and regrettable, barroom conversations.

“They can do better than this,” I thought. “All it will take is a little coaching.”

Then I had an amazing idea. Why not turn this haphazard video recording into a family vacation video project? That would bring much-needed focus to our recording efforts—and give me the chance to showcase my talent as a communication coach and video “expert.” Oh yeah, and the kids will love it!

Surprisingly, Kim and the kids were much less excited about the family video project than I expected. Well, all I needed to do was to get one of the kids involved, and the rest of the dominoes would fall quickly into place, right?

My immediate choice was to work with Caitlyn on what would be the video intro. Caitlyn was a natural who enjoyed being videotaped and had a good, natural presence on camera. She was her communication daddy’s little girl!

Well, she was no “one-take wonder,” and I was a less-than-encouraging coach. She started pretty well on her first take: “Welcome to SeaWorld. I’m going to take you…I’m going to take you on a tour today.”

‘OK, a slight flub,” I thought. “We could take it out in post-production, but why not have her get it right now?” I kept the camera recording as I said, “Ok start again and say, ‘Hi I’m Caitlyn Keefe’ and then say what you said just now. Look right at the camera.”

Appearing slightly annoyed, but still game, Caitlyn started Take Two: “Hi, I’m Caitlyn Keefe and we’re at SeaWorld, and I’m going to be your tourist.” “CUT!” I nearly yelled, but instead said, “Tour guide, Caitlyn. Two words.”

My voice tried to hide my frustration, as I said, “Do it again now, real good, all together now. Look at the camera while you’re doing it. With a smile!”“Hi, I’m Caitlyn Keefe and I’m going to be your tour guide, and we are in California, San Diego, and I’m going to show you around SeaWorld.” I panned away to show the entrance, then back to Caitlyn. I fed her the next line: “So let’s get started.”
“So, let’s get started,” Caitlyn said with a smile while she spread her arms wide at her side. It either was a pose of excitement or resignation—I still can’t be sure.

Caitlyn, Kim and I recently watched this video. Caitlyn’s comment afterward: “Well, now I guess we know why I never became an actress—I thought I wasn’t good enough!” Although she was half-joking, Caitlyn and her mom have continued to bring up the “coaching session”; so I know it did bother them.

That is the lesson that I want to share on this Father’s Day. We have such a short window of time to be the primary teachers of our children. Our ability to help guide them and support them quickly becomes contingent on our relationship with them.

The Christian bible states, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” It is wise advice that can keep the all-important parent-child relationship open. We cannot communicate to loved ones if they close their ears to us.

In recent years, I’ve made efforts to hold my tongue so that one of my children can share something with me. When I do that well, I gain important insights into their world, their struggles, and their concerns.

That hasn’t always been easy for me and my controlling personality. On this Father’s Day, I’m glad that I can call “Cut!” on myself and give myself another take in the action adventure that I call, life.

FORE! Drilling Communications Best Practices Into My Family

August 8, 2006 /

I’ve sometimes had to be creative in linking a thought or experience to a communication lesson or principle. It’s worth the effort in this case, so that I can tell you about how I accidentally drilled my 10-year-old daughter in the butt while golfing last week.

My wife and I had bid on a golf package offered at our church’s annual silent auction—and won. It covered greens fee and cart for a foursome at the same golf course where my company holds its annual charity golf outing. We decided that it would be fun to take our 12-year-old son, Kevin, and daughter, Caitlyn, for an afternoon of non-competitive golf. It had to be non-competitive because my wife had only golfed one other time, my kids were beginners, and on my best day, I have a bad day in terms of golf shots.

Communication lesson #1: Explain the rules clearly and before your son decides to tee-off. My friendly conversation with the starter turned ugly when my son decided that he was ready to tee-off—without waiting for the elderly gentleman who was about 75 years away on the near fairway, taking his second shot. As Kevin’s ball whistled past the elderly golfer, the starter began to yell, “Tell your boy to wait until the golfers are out of range!” I was so rattled, my subsequent tee shot dribbled about 20 yards.

Communication lesson #2: Establish the proper order for tee-shots. How many times have the best communication ideas gone flat because someone decided to jump out of order and messed up the timing or message flow? In this case, as the only member of the foursome who was hitting from the back tees, I should have hit first, while the rest of the foursome stayed behind me until after the shot. Their failure to do so resulted in Communication lesson #3.

Communication lesson #3: It doesn’t help to yell “fore” after the ball has tattooed your daughter’s rear-end. Yes, crisis communication needs to be ready in advance. In this case, my family had decided to take positions on the front tee before I had shot from the blue tees behind them. I was upset that they didn’t know the basic rule of golf etiquette that tells you to stay out of the way of a golf shot. I was about to say that, when my wife started driving herself and Caitlyn toward the rough on the right. The cart was moving slowly away from me, and was a little over 100 yards away, when I decided to tee off.

It was my hardest tee shot of the day, and it sailed straight toward the cart carrying my wife and daughter. Kevin said he yelled “fore,” but I was mesmerized, watching the perfect trajectory of the ball as it traced the path of my wife’s cart, and then caught it. We heard a loud crack that I thought was the sound of the ball bouncing off of the cart. But when I saw that my wife was hugging my daughter, I rushed over in my cart. Somehow, the ball had cleared the golf bags and the cart frame, and had struck my daughter’s butt on the fly. Kim was muffling Caitlyn’s cries, which was good, because anyone who would have heard Caitlyn crying at full throttle would have thought that we had amputated her leg without anesthesia. That gets me to the final point.

Communication lesson #4: People don’t want to hear facts when they are hurting. As it became clear that Caitlyn would survive the golf “spanking,” I grasped for words to express my feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings were less than sympathetic. “That’s why proper golf etiquette tells you to stay behind someone about to hit the ball,” I said, in as kind a tone as I could muster. In retrospect, I probably should have been clubbed myself for that comment.

Anyway, after some more hugging (with me reminding them that we were holding up the foursome behind us), we continued. My family stayed a respectful distance behind me on every shot that followed—even the putts. My daughter eventually forgave me, and stopped trying to hit me with her golf ball. My son enjoyed the day, because he constantly out-drove me and sometimes out-putted me.

My wife is still trying to figure out why she bought me golf clubs for Father’s Day. Next year, I get a tie, or something else equally soft.

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